“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

It's the dark of the Moon tonight and the Austin sky is restless and broody with rockin' thunderstorms today. I worked at Lush Life today and had a lovely time and made some bank. Tomorrow I'm going to see the rough cut of the film I shot last October-- Invicta. Hope it's decent and that I look better than decent. Kinda nervous...

This week was terrible for workouts of any kind. No gym, no riding, no running. I did walk with my dear girl M one night but that's it. A sorry state of affairs indeed. So tomorrow I'm going to the Barn rain or shine. I miss my Shaggy dearly!

Didn't get to any meetings either which sucks and only 4 days sober this week but I'm keepin' on keepin' on. I had a long day yesterday which I "rewarded" myself for with a call to L and smoked myself silly last night. I'm not your average stoner, and I don't mean that in a good way. I basically love to smoke pot for 2 reasons: One: It makes me feel cocooned and insulated from the world so I can hide (I only really smoke sitting at my desk w/the laptop in the corner of the living room by the window. The immediate world is right outside the blinds and the rest of the world is right in front of me on the screen.) And two: I can chain smoke cigarettes and not taste them. This is the true reason I smoke weed, which is why my whole situation with it is frightenly pathetic. I've never been a heavy cigarette smoker, except when I drink or smoke. I don't really like the taste of my Winstons when I'm sober. I'll smoke one or two at night--always at my desk, it would never occur to me to take cigs with me outside my house--to wind down.

Addiction of any kind is a drag and a half. They all start out as fun for me--whether it's chocolate or heroin or watching Law & Order : SVU on Netflix. Then it becomes a crutch and then it becomes a prison. Point is, they all turn on you eventually. I've often wished I could be an exercise addict like some women I know. My Mom and I used to wish we could "catch" anorexia for a few months. But there's hell in every face addiction wears. Anyway, I'm struggling. I want to be willing to go to an MA meeting next week. And that's all I'll say about that.

My food was bad, bad yesterday. Those boys Ben and Jerry slay me every time! Had a few handfuls of trail mix too. Paid the price today feeling yucky and FAT. Never fails.

Onward through the fog....