Rage Against the Mama...

I've had bizarro waves of unbridled mother/step father RAGE washing over me all week while I was sober. I did NOT get to any meetings this week even though I could have gone. And I ended up getting myself a bottle of Pinot Grigio and then discovered that my dealer had a small bit of the last of what I always buy from him--AND he is not going to be getting it anymore because his supplier is going to deal with cheap stuff anymore. It's not worth the money to grow/aquire it. Whatever. As if everyone's buying KB in this economy.

Anyway, I spent the $15 as he had been saving it for me and have smoked yesterday and today. It'll soon be gone and then no more available from L. Oh he'll still have the expensive shit, but it's so over-priced for the amount you get that I can't be bothered to spend that kind of money on the crap anymore. I take this as a good thing.

Got my period today (on the Full Moon!) which always means harder cramps and went on a chocolate tear at the salon. Luckily I had a long afternoon break and spent it on the massage table which has a lush faux sheepskin heating pad covering the whole length of it. I laid on my belly with the heater jacked up to 140 degrees and read more of Patricia Kennealy Morrison's autobio Strange Days. Totally hot read about her life with and without Jim Morrison. The salon gig is going well and I have high hopes for building the practice there.

Other stuff going on as well but I'm lazy from smoking and trying to stay as mellow as possible to avoid guilt and self-loathing for my failings. Alas, tomorrow is another Mayday.....

Another day, another diet

Today was good food-wise.....coffee, shake w/pnut butter, handful almonds, applesauce, 1 cup black beans and brown rice, broccoli w/cashew tamari, 1 banana, 6 oz pineapple juice. Going to have some soup later on.
It hasn't been that difficult giving up the TV. Not that I actually HAVE a TV--I've been watching TV shows on Netflix for a while now and now that I've canceled that, reading is my entertainment. Right now I'm all caught up in reading PKM's blog Mrs. Morrison's Hotel. Indomitable writer and wit, part hippie-dippie, part hardened cynic, she keeps me entertained and I'm glad to have her as a pal on MySpace. I don't give a toss what anyone else thinks of her or her books. I think she's cool.
So I've already ridden twice this week but other than walking all my dogs, no other official workouts. Want to get into that this weekend....will keep you posted (whoever YOU are).

Just Tuesday

I am still unable to drag my detoxing carcass from bed any earlier than 10:30am which is rather disturbing to me since I'm usually up and mobile by 8. Alas, I will try to get to bed early tonight!

So my food has been OK today: decaf coffee, protein shake w/peanut butter, pineapple juice, handful of almonds, half cup unsweet applesauce, Amy's organic teryaki stir fry. Going to steam a bunch of broccoli later so will have that w/cashew tamari.

I walked the dogs for 40 minutes or so and was supposed to walk w/MDF M tonight but I'm just not feeling up to it. I worked today doing chair massage for 3 hours and came home. Just lying low tonight and NOT giving in to the temptation to smoke.........BLAH all around.

She stumbles, she falls, she gets back in the saddle...

Well I'm sleepy so I'll be brief: we fell off the wagon big time yesterday--film shoot, weed on premises and guess what happened. Yeah, we smoked, we ate pizza and chocolate and felt godawful in so many ways for it...but today, back to the food plan WITH MODIFICATIONS.

We did the cleanse a few months back through a paid program and made it 21 days living on rabbit food and on day 22 we were drinking margaritas at El Mercado. This time I want to do something I can stick with long term. So I'm skipping the super strict part and moving right along to eating beans, tuna, chicken, brown rice and such along with the rabbit food.

Just can't function w/out some carbs!!
Anyway, smoke-free today and only had ONE cigarette.
Progress, not perfection :)

Day 3 at the Barn

Day three of the cleanse. I'm not feeling too bad other than the night sweats--have to change the sheets today. Yuck. I rode my horse Shaggy today. He's a Saddlebred and was a rescue horse, meaning he was on his way to being dogfood until the Saddlebred Rescue Assoc. saved him and my barn bought him. He is too high strung for the little kids to ride and too wild under saddle to be shown so he was just hanging out in the pasture with his buddies until last December when I decided to ask my trainer if he had anything to lease. Well, it's been me and Shag since then. He's a blast to ride but a handful and a half! He has no qualms about suddenly running into the middle of the ring or going the opposite direction you were planning to go in. Somehow he always manages to keep himself underneath me. :)
So--my food was OK yesterday. Banana, protein shake, broccoli w/cashew tamari dressing, lentil/veg soup, a few green olives, protein shake, apple sauce, pineapple juice. Finally went grocery shopping and got some supplies but also managed to forget several neccessities so I'll have to back there again today. Mostly I feel kind of panicky/hungry at all times but that'll pass soon. In a few days I should be much, much better.
Food today so far: pineapple juice (6 oz), shake, small apple, broc and cashew tamari, pineapple juice. Later on I will have a sweet potato w/organic butter and a salad. I didn't weigh myself today but will tomorrow. We are shooting a short film at the house today and when that's done I'm going over to G's to pick up all the dogs and take them to the Park......will check in again later.