Rainy daze...

Thank all the gods the rains have finally come to central Texas! It's been gray and gloomy for days now and lots of heavenly water pouring from the sky. Everything is green again and practically shouting hallelujah. So nice to feel grass that not dried out and sharp enough to pierce my flip flops.
I took all 5 dogs to the Park this morning for a muddy stroll and they all swam in the rainwater run-off creek, which is flowing strong now after three months of barely a puddle for the pups to splash in.

As for me, I'm not so well. Smoking a lot and hating it and hating the way it sucks my motivation and makes me over eat. Yuck.
I soldier on each day but it's the 12th of Sept and I've only got 2 clean days this month. Not a good average. Sigh...

M is going to NYC for the first time next week to attend the Friars' Club Film Fest where the film he shot last year and stars in is opening for the Cohen Brothers new movie. I am so thrilled for M, but beside myself that I can't go with him. What a different life I would've had if I always had an extra five hundred bucks lying around. That's enough of my whining. Off to do a massage. Tomorrow I audition for Neil Simon's "Laughter On the 23rd Floor" at City Theatre. Would be nice to have a theatre project to work on....

Been a long time since I rock and rolled....

It's August. The worst drought in Texas in many years is upon us and the heat is unbearable. Much of the grass in the park is scorched to dead hay. Large branches are falling off older trees b/c they can't get enough water to hold them up. I've been giving long drinks to the old pecan tree in my back yard. It lost a substantial limb this week :(

Got new headshots this week by Kathy Whittaker. (see left) It was a lovely shoot with K, and the fabulous McK doing my hair and make up. I'm going back for a quick session next week to take a few more looks. My agent wants to have some shots in bad ass character looks. Always the bitch. When I tell my Dad that I'm doing a new role, he always says "what kind of bitch are you this time?".

The City Theatre is doing "Hamlet". Auditions are in two weeks. I've never done Ophelia or Gertrude and would love to have either on my resume. AB is directing so we'll see....

The horse I'm in love with: Sully (Sovran's Sullivan) is now down to $2000. I've seen video of him and he's sweet and moves cute. He's only 6 so he could be trained. He's already gaited..... Oh Great Mother of the Granted Wishes, send me this horse!!! Somehow, somehow.....

Back to blonde.....

So here I am again....

Went to see MDF SAM at her salon and got some blond highlights. Not as blond as that photo but close enough. In a few weeks I'm getting new headshots with my agent's fave photog and have high hopes that they will get me in good with our local Emmy winning/recently nominated casting agent here who also casts all of R. Rodriguez' films. I took her workshop and she told my agent that she loves me but I've got to have better photos. Amazing that I've been in this business for 15 years and still looking for the headshot that will get me the proverbial foot in the door....Ah well.

I got my ass down to Flipnotic's last night for the T Jarrod Quartet and sat in. There I met with a piano player who responded to my recent ad for musicians. We got along so we're moving forward with that.....

We'll see what happens..........

Rest in peace...

MJ is still dead. The world grieves. And feels kinda weird and embarrassed. I have great admiration for his one of a kind talent and innovation. He was one of those lucky few born at just the right time.

In other news, I've been getting to the gym again. Ran 2 miles and walked some on the treadmill today and then did sit ups and push ups and arm stuff with a medicine ball. My weight remains at the upper end of my lifelong 20 lb swing and I'm still not so comfy in my skin. But this week I wore 2 different pairs of jeans that were loser on me since the last time I wore them, so a victory.

It's hot as the oven in the old broad's gingerbread house in Texas lately and I've been working a lot this week so haven't gotten up to the Barn to see Shaggy in 5 days or so. Need to get my Saddlebred fix tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow: July 4th. When I was 9 it became the day my Mom married my step dad. So I don't tend to celebrate it. But I'll ride. Yee-hah!

From the desk the mighty PKM...

The following was written by Ms. Patricia Kennealy Morrison. What would we do without her?? Brilliant!!!

"We cannot accept to have in our country women who are prisoners behind netting, cut off from all social life, deprived of identity," Mr Sarkozy told the special session in Versailles.

"That is not the idea that the French republic has of women's dignity.

"The burqa is not a sign of religion, it is a sign of subservience. It will not be welcome on the territory of the French republic," the French president said.

Voila un vrai homme, et un brave aussi! Good for you, Sarko! It's about time someone took a firm stand against the creeping Islamization of the West.

Islamic clerics do not agree on the Koran-mandated necessity of the burqa or the niqab (a burqa is the full-length body covering with a mesh screen over the eyes, a niqab is the black full-length enveloping veil with slits for the eyes...), and even the hijab (scarf head covering) may not necessarily be required. All the Koran says is that both women AND men must clothe themselves modestly; that's it.

Muslim men require their women to cover themselves with sheets because they (the men) cannot master their own "impure" desires and thoughts, and so they insist that their women control their thoughts FOR them by removing the "temptation".

Hey, it's not the fault of women if Muslim men are a pack of juvenile lust-crazed horndogs who can't keep their minds out of their pants (or hers) every time they see a woman. How insulting is that, to both men AND women?

Grow up, guys, and join the 21st century. Show some REAL respect for women, because otherwise why should women show respect for you? Just because you have a dick? (Or ARE a dick?) Sorry, not good enough.

(I must add that Muslims are not alone in this regard: the other desert religions are equally offensive in their attitudes to women---Orthodox Jews thanking God they were not born women and shaving the heads of their wives, who then wear wigs, how nuts is that??, Christians subjugating women to all sorts of humiliation and denying them priesthood...you ALL SUCK, boys.)

It continually confounds me that Muslims move to the West for a "better life" or whatever the hell, presumably one involving more personal freedoms, and then they get their knickers in a twist because the West won't accommodate their medieval and inhumane culture. You can't have it both ways, people! YOU must accommodate yourselves and your beliefs to US and ours. Otherwise, go back to the desert and rot.

I believe with every fiber of my being that any so-called "religion" that allows women to be stoned to death for being out in public without a male companion, to be the victims of "honor" killings, to be kept illiterate and immured indoors, to be divorced at will, is no religion at all. And certainly not one that pleases Allah, or whoever.

That's not a religion. That's male medieval control freaks with their heads in an 8th-century tent and their souls stuffed up a camel's anus.

And if that sounds offensive, I mean it to.

An Iranian woman writer (exiled) pointed out the other day that it really didn't matter WHO was the president of Iran, because she would still be subject to all the anti-woman laws regardless of who was in office, that Mousavi was cut from the same bolt of "religious" cloth as Ahmadinejad. She could still be veiled, stoned, whipped, imprisoned, killed, kept from living a normal life, all in the name of Allah.

Well, I think Allah really hates this. At least, if he's a good god, he SHOULD hate it. And if he doesn't, what woman would want to worship him? I hope he strikes them down harshly, these sour-faced senile mullahs and all who cleave to them and their vile teachings.

In fact...wasn't Allah originally female? Al-Lat, the (female) Sun? A GODDESS??? One of three goddesses, IIRC? I do believe I read that somewhere. It's nice to think that perhaps SHE will finally take vengeance and obtain justice for Her murdered and mutilated daughters.

Insh'Allah, indeed.

Sully

That gorgeous creature is Sovran's Sullivan, a six year old Saddlebred who I'm in love with. Sully is for sale in Illinois for only $3200. The Universe is welcome to buy him for me. :)

The weight loss competition is going well. M and I are in the top ten and it's fun motivation to track our progress with everyone else. There's some real nutbags on there--obsessed with fitness gymrat types. I've lost about 7 pounds so far. M is looking fiiiine is down in the 230s once again, which makes him a tower of manly muscle.
Uh, anyway.... ;)

In other news...I still don't have an agent for my book, and if no one's smart enough to pick it up by the end of this year then it's self publishing here I come. I'd love the chance to design the cover myself and not change a word of it. Then I'd need to find people to promote the shit out of it. But the agent search continues....

I have an audition for a short film on Sunday. Hope I get it. I'm itching to act again. Getting new headshots at the end of July when the contest is over. I hope to be looking fantabulous by then. Onward...

Time to kick ass again...

M found a cool website with a fitness contest on it. So we'll be spending the next 2 months getting in shape with money at stake. Hee hee! There are 5 prizes-- 1st prize is a grand, which would come in handy indeed. It's judged on percentage of body weight lost. In any case I'm glad for the motivation.
Fell back off the wagon. We went out last night to BD's going away soiree at the Barton Springs Saloon. Drank beer and had a few laughs. Been smoking the past few days again. So this new effort and opportunity to start over is welcome.
I rode my dear Saddlebred this afternoon. He's so glossy with his short Summer coat. I have to get photos soon. There's a new bay mare in the pasture. She's taken a liking to Shaggy, my boy is always the ladies' man. Today I was feeding him carrots and she bit my chest! Luckily she only got my shirt, but she wasn't kidding. I gave her some carrots too for good measure. She followed Shag and I all the way to the pasture gate and then stood there watching while I lunged him in the round pen. She's a looker of a horse and has shoes on. I wonder if I could get P to let me take her for a spin.....
Onward.

OK, so I was wrong....

So I DID end up getting sick after my last post about how I never get sick. (of course) Been under the weather for several days now and in the course of enduring this flu bug, I ran out of weed and cigarettes-- and have not bothered to restock....

So, two days smoke free, really smoke free, which is quite rare for me. I've been coughing and sneezing and such, but mostly just feel tired and yucky. Spent a great deal of time in bed snoozing and tearing through the last of the Jim Morrison bio's I'm reading.

I paid the last of the big monthly bills: rent, car payment, and my horse's board. All of these are written against an empty account so I'm focusing all my energy this week on getting my finances out of the red. Tomorrow, Goddess willing, I will refill the one Rx I've been going without this week. Then things should start looking up again....

I got up to the Barn on Sunday and had a lovely time with Shaggy as we had the whole place (16 acres) to ourselves. I lunged him in the round pen for a bit before our ride to see if that would chill him out a little. It didn't really but it was cool to get to watch him move from the ground. He's such a pretty boy. I want to grow his feet out a little and put shoes on him so he really moves like a Saddlebred!

Saturday on the down low....

So the mold count in Austin is off the chart this week which means I've been suffering with horrendous allergies.

M has had the flu as well and I felt crappy enough yesterday that I didn't go to the salon. Last night I couldn't stop coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose ad nauseum. (although I did my 3 sets of push ups before bed 32 total) M said I must surely be coming down with what he had. I must say I almost believed him since I had that woozy "coming down with something" feeling--which I almost never get. Because I never get sick! Why? Because I've said all my life "I never get sick" and so people drop like video store prices all around and I never catch anything. I slept late this morning and didn't feel like I was getting the flu--just miserable allergies.

I do feel out of sorts in a weird, dizzy, head achey way since I ran out of that one med that I take. It will be another few days before I can buy the refill. Mdolla, Goddess of $$$ pray for me in this my season of need.....

M insisted that I was indeed sick and that I should take the day off today. I took a cue from my dogs and spent the day resting and healing. Even took Dag and Red out for our walk/jog in the high afternoon sun and had a good sweat. Crashed for three hours this afternoon. Colored my grey roots and gave myself a sparkly tan in a can so I feel a bit better. Tonight I will run out of weed. And so it begins again...

I have decided to cancel my Gold's gym membership since I have been running outside and working out at home. Partly it's because every dollar counts at the moment and partly I need a change of scenery. There's a new gym near the house that's 10 bucks a month so I may try that later on this year. But for now I'm getting creative and doing stuff at home. Our livingroom is plenty big enough to jump around in and the thick solid wood coffee table that was a present from DW for my massage graduation many, many moons ago makes for a good step.

I'm getting Women's Health magazine again and they have super cool at home workouts I've been dabbling in. Tomorrow I'm going up to the Barn to ride for the first time in a week. I patched the holes in the ass of my riding pants. :) Can't wait to hang out with my Shaggy!

Soldier on....

Onward through the fog....

That's the slogan for Oat Willie's, a marvelous head shop here in Austin. They are the only place I know of in town that carries my favorite AIRS incense. Must get over there soon with my darling TH whom I haven't seen in many moons....

So I've been meditating for brief 5 minute snatches here and there. I have my little prayer altar set up in the closet in my room with a single candle (white w/Lady Guadelupe on it). I've read that most people don't keep up with meditating b/c they get frustrated that they can't do it perfectly (ie: their mind wanders off to the laundromat or the porn shop no matter how they try to focus on their breath). I just decided it didn't matter whether I was doing it right, as long as I sat in the closet for a few minutes. It's definitely "working" b/c I look forward to stealing 10 minutes in the closet (I keep the door open in case anyone cares). "Studies have shown" that even just 3 minutes of sitting quietly with the intention to meditate can make a huge difference in one's general wellbeing. Knowing that I can run in there and sit quietly for 3 minutes and it counts as doing something to change my life for the positive makes me want to do it more. Maybe I'll really freak my freakin' freak and start doing it twice a day!!

I also worked out today--did a half hour run/walk with both Dag and Red around our 'hood(not the most graceful of maneuvers) and then did many push ups and curls with 12 lb dumb bells in my living room. Yay for progress. Yet sad to feel how weak I am compared to when I was training with weights and running religiously. The last time I had that going on was several years back now. I was running a lot and getting to the gym for weights a few times a week. And I had a nightly push up ritual. Those were the days when I was still really diggin' on Citizen Cope and could listen to song after song and work off my single-gal frustration with crunches arm-balances. How I want those lovely slightly protruding hip bones back!

The very best shape I've been in as far as strength and conditioning was a time when I was singing and performing on the Swing 5 nights a week, plus doing really challenging weight workouts and yoga several times a week. When I'm down at the low end of my lifetime weight swing I look all toned and solid--I daresay not unlike my girl Ms. Shue over there in the photo. (This shot was taken around the time of Leaving Las Vegas but she's still drop dead delish...) My goals now are to get back into yoga--my dear beau M has decided that he wants to try it in an effort to be a good Buddhist. I also want to be running the entire 1.4 mile route that M and I have been doing, well okay were doing.

Anyway, I'm trying to use this blog to inspire myself to break old habits and make healthier new ones. I alsoand help keep me motivated to face the truth of my life day to day. Today was pretty good. I did smoke--but didn't eat any junk food. And I meditated and worked out and made sure all 5 of my dogs got exercise today. I have an audition tomorrow for the US Army. A live theatre sort of gig I think. It pays fairly well so it would be welcomed if I got it. Will check in again soon..........

The killer awoke before Dawn, he put his boots on-- and kicked her ass...

I've been in the clutches of my disease Addiction this weekend. Been smoking the ganja from L since Friday and disturbed myself with how easy it was today, when I ran out, to say "I'm going to get snowcones" and then instead sent the old text to L and copped within ten minutes. I did heroin daily for years and never once copped it myself. Weed's too easy. Anyway, I'm not buying for the rest of the week. That's my final answer.

Still on my Doors kick, which my loving boyfriend informed me this morning has been going on since May 3rd. Observant/psychotic much? Reading the newest, and the best one I've read of Jimbo biographies: Jim Morrison: Life, Death, Legend by Stephen Davis. Really gives a full picture of Morrison's early life (all I've read so far). The author apparently had access to Jim's diaries and notebooks and the book includes little family details and personal musings that present Jim in a very human light, someone you'd like to hang out with. He was a crazy brat, for sure. But for the most part he was an intelligent, shy, goofball that worked in the library in college. How I wish I knew him. Hee-hee...

I finally got up to the Barn today and hung out with my boy Shaggy! It was a gorgeous sunny breezy day and way "only" supposed to be 90 degrees but it felt so much hotter. I was wrecked by the end of our ride and even Shag was breathing a bit hard. I hosed him down afterward and then stood in the deepest shade we could find and let him eat grass while the breeze dried us both off. Then off course he rolled as soon as he got back to the pasture. Got down in the dirt and flung all four legs into the air, rubbing the whole left side of his chestnut body from neck to flanks. He heaves himself to standing, turns around and kneels down again, this time rolling onto the other side. Most horses are too big to roll all the way over. I've only seen ponies do it.

My food has been OK. My weight has been hanging at the very number it usually settles at when I'm just doing OK w/food and slacking on workouts, which I have been, and dreadfully so this past week. M wants to take yoga now so I'm psyched to go back to that. I miss it a lot. I did do 30 push ups last night. Going to go for 35 tonight. Over and out.

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

It's the dark of the Moon tonight and the Austin sky is restless and broody with rockin' thunderstorms today. I worked at Lush Life today and had a lovely time and made some bank. Tomorrow I'm going to see the rough cut of the film I shot last October-- Invicta. Hope it's decent and that I look better than decent. Kinda nervous...

This week was terrible for workouts of any kind. No gym, no riding, no running. I did walk with my dear girl M one night but that's it. A sorry state of affairs indeed. So tomorrow I'm going to the Barn rain or shine. I miss my Shaggy dearly!

Didn't get to any meetings either which sucks and only 4 days sober this week but I'm keepin' on keepin' on. I had a long day yesterday which I "rewarded" myself for with a call to L and smoked myself silly last night. I'm not your average stoner, and I don't mean that in a good way. I basically love to smoke pot for 2 reasons: One: It makes me feel cocooned and insulated from the world so I can hide (I only really smoke sitting at my desk w/the laptop in the corner of the living room by the window. The immediate world is right outside the blinds and the rest of the world is right in front of me on the screen.) And two: I can chain smoke cigarettes and not taste them. This is the true reason I smoke weed, which is why my whole situation with it is frightenly pathetic. I've never been a heavy cigarette smoker, except when I drink or smoke. I don't really like the taste of my Winstons when I'm sober. I'll smoke one or two at night--always at my desk, it would never occur to me to take cigs with me outside my house--to wind down.

Addiction of any kind is a drag and a half. They all start out as fun for me--whether it's chocolate or heroin or watching Law & Order : SVU on Netflix. Then it becomes a crutch and then it becomes a prison. Point is, they all turn on you eventually. I've often wished I could be an exercise addict like some women I know. My Mom and I used to wish we could "catch" anorexia for a few months. But there's hell in every face addiction wears. Anyway, I'm struggling. I want to be willing to go to an MA meeting next week. And that's all I'll say about that.

My food was bad, bad yesterday. Those boys Ben and Jerry slay me every time! Had a few handfuls of trail mix too. Paid the price today feeling yucky and FAT. Never fails.

Onward through the fog....

Live from Texas--it's Thursday night....

And I'm off to bed soon.....loooong day tomorrow: training for the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the morning, then an audition for a shot film, then two massages at the salon, then one outcall in the evening and then finally I get to go home...

The audition is for a film w/three female characters--2 35ish year old women and one "young hipster". I'm 38 and sent them my current headshot shown here. They want me to read for the hipster role. Very interesting....

Progress, not perfection...

Today was better all around....didn't smoke or drink so yay for me. Made a shitload of $$ today at work and paid some bills. Cleaned the house, walked the dogs and had a girl date with my dear friend M who rocks the house!
And here's a random cool photo of my favorite kind of moon just for the helluvit!!

Yuck, yuck, yuck, and I'm not laughing

After a 3 hour nap yesterday, I awoke to M wanting to drink beer. Rather than taunt my liver anymore (cuz you know if it's in the house, I'm gonna drink it!) I suggested we get a wee recession friendly bag from L. Alas, we did. There was a photo shoot at Lush Life yesterday and K puts out quite a spread. Tiff's Treats legendary cookies, which I've never had--until yesterday when I scarfed down five of them. They are truly just that delishical! But the point is, when I slip with the food, it gets that much easier to slip w/weed, etc. Life can be so tiresome....

On a brighter note, I finally got to meet and massage A--a friend of another client who bought her a gift certificate. A is recently turned 90 and is still working part time out of her house as a beautician! She's the most fabulous chick of any age I've met in many moons. She came of age in the Great Depression and is sharp as a tack, remembering vividly how she stood in line with her father for sugar and flour. She swears by vitamins and herbs for her longevity and good health. It was such a thrill to meet her after our numerous phone conversations trying to schedule and reschedule her appointment. She calls me--and everyone, I expect--'honey' and 'sugar', which I just adore. A real darling of a lady. She hugged me twice and was so sweet. I'm going back next week to give her a chair massage. I hope we get to be friends. I'd love to hear more of her stories.

Sick as a dog.....

Our little red heeler dog has been sick since last night. She's been very lethargic and limping and possibly has a fever. We think she hurt herself playing with Dag in the park yesterday. It was raining and they were tearing around slipping and sliding on the wet grass. She and Dag play pretty rough and I suspect she sprained one of her back legs. She is still eating and drinking so that's good, but it's been a long day worrying and keeping an eye on her. Funny how life just stops when one has a sick baby....

As for me, had some beer this weekend and smoked a little bit last night but each week gets a little better. Made it to one meeting this week as well. Still on a big Doors kick and reading Densmore's Riders on the Storm at the moment. Off to bed now and then getting up early to deal with the vet and work a chair gig 10-3pm. Show me the money!!!

And the rain came down

It's pouring buckets in Austin TX this morning and of course it started right as I was taking the dogs to the park. Alas, they have to get out and run no matter what or they'll go stir-crazy. So off we went out into the mud and rain--and me in a cute outfit ready to go to work no less. Luckily it was only coming down moderately hard while we were out there and as soon as we came in it started POURING again. I'm drying myself and getting ready for work.

For various reasons I didn't make jack shit for $$ this week and going to the salon yesterday and today I'm basically paying to come to work. But I'm not going to whine further about it. Just going to trust that Goddess will show me the money this month like she always has done.

My food was just OK yesterday: 2 handfuls of pnut M&Ms and 3 Lone Stars towards the end of the day. Fridays get me every time..... But I did run twice this week and rode Shaggy 3 times so that's an improvement. Tonight I'm running concessions at City Theatre for a production of The Elephant Man (??) Off to work now. Taking John Densmore's Riders on the Storm w/me which I just began yesterday. Really dig it so far........

Off to the park...

Made it through yesterday and spent some $$ on good groceries so there's decent food in the house. Today I'm going to steam a bunch of veggies and M's making black beans and rice tonight. I don't know how I can contain my excitement! ;)

This morning I did chair massage @ Apple for the iWalk event and then visited M on his break. He works in the Pro Apps dept and the rest of the company thinks of those dudes as the rock stars of Apple so it was nice to get the tour around the place. I've worked there several times before but this was the first time since M started working there.

Now I'm taking some of my doggies to the park to run and then probably take a little nap before going up to the Barn to play with Shaggy. Food so far today: pineapple juice, coffee, protein shake w/pbutter and oatmeal, free Ice Tea at the gig.........more later.

Back to reality

Spent the past 4 days in a fog with M. Damn us...

Unfortunately our tastes toward the dark side run in exactly the same direction and there was much smoke and margaritas this weekend. Yet, we get back up on the horse.....As I did today, going up to the Barn to ride Shaggy, who looks sleek and handsome with his summer hair cut and short glossy coat.

Food was not terrible today: shake, coffee, one giant cookie from Central Market Cafe (oops!) then home where I had a can of tuna w/mayo and olives and later an organic burrito. M will be home soon and we are planning to go to the gym--or run in our hood. But in any case, I've gotten some exercise today and taken all the dogs out and Dag and Red to the park across the street from our house.

Got another email from a literary agent today. They all love The Iron Horse--the novel I'm shopping around. But can't decide whether it's fiction or memoir or whatall..... Oh well, the clock is ticking and if by December of this year the IH has no rep, then it's getting self-published by me on Lulu.com. That's all she wrote. Today anyway.

Rage Against the Mama...

I've had bizarro waves of unbridled mother/step father RAGE washing over me all week while I was sober. I did NOT get to any meetings this week even though I could have gone. And I ended up getting myself a bottle of Pinot Grigio and then discovered that my dealer had a small bit of the last of what I always buy from him--AND he is not going to be getting it anymore because his supplier is going to deal with cheap stuff anymore. It's not worth the money to grow/aquire it. Whatever. As if everyone's buying KB in this economy.

Anyway, I spent the $15 as he had been saving it for me and have smoked yesterday and today. It'll soon be gone and then no more available from L. Oh he'll still have the expensive shit, but it's so over-priced for the amount you get that I can't be bothered to spend that kind of money on the crap anymore. I take this as a good thing.

Got my period today (on the Full Moon!) which always means harder cramps and went on a chocolate tear at the salon. Luckily I had a long afternoon break and spent it on the massage table which has a lush faux sheepskin heating pad covering the whole length of it. I laid on my belly with the heater jacked up to 140 degrees and read more of Patricia Kennealy Morrison's autobio Strange Days. Totally hot read about her life with and without Jim Morrison. The salon gig is going well and I have high hopes for building the practice there.

Other stuff going on as well but I'm lazy from smoking and trying to stay as mellow as possible to avoid guilt and self-loathing for my failings. Alas, tomorrow is another Mayday.....

Another day, another diet

Today was good food-wise.....coffee, shake w/pnut butter, handful almonds, applesauce, 1 cup black beans and brown rice, broccoli w/cashew tamari, 1 banana, 6 oz pineapple juice. Going to have some soup later on.
It hasn't been that difficult giving up the TV. Not that I actually HAVE a TV--I've been watching TV shows on Netflix for a while now and now that I've canceled that, reading is my entertainment. Right now I'm all caught up in reading PKM's blog Mrs. Morrison's Hotel. Indomitable writer and wit, part hippie-dippie, part hardened cynic, she keeps me entertained and I'm glad to have her as a pal on MySpace. I don't give a toss what anyone else thinks of her or her books. I think she's cool.
So I've already ridden twice this week but other than walking all my dogs, no other official workouts. Want to get into that this weekend....will keep you posted (whoever YOU are).

Just Tuesday

I am still unable to drag my detoxing carcass from bed any earlier than 10:30am which is rather disturbing to me since I'm usually up and mobile by 8. Alas, I will try to get to bed early tonight!

So my food has been OK today: decaf coffee, protein shake w/peanut butter, pineapple juice, handful of almonds, half cup unsweet applesauce, Amy's organic teryaki stir fry. Going to steam a bunch of broccoli later so will have that w/cashew tamari.

I walked the dogs for 40 minutes or so and was supposed to walk w/MDF M tonight but I'm just not feeling up to it. I worked today doing chair massage for 3 hours and came home. Just lying low tonight and NOT giving in to the temptation to smoke.........BLAH all around.

She stumbles, she falls, she gets back in the saddle...

Well I'm sleepy so I'll be brief: we fell off the wagon big time yesterday--film shoot, weed on premises and guess what happened. Yeah, we smoked, we ate pizza and chocolate and felt godawful in so many ways for it...but today, back to the food plan WITH MODIFICATIONS.

We did the cleanse a few months back through a paid program and made it 21 days living on rabbit food and on day 22 we were drinking margaritas at El Mercado. This time I want to do something I can stick with long term. So I'm skipping the super strict part and moving right along to eating beans, tuna, chicken, brown rice and such along with the rabbit food.

Just can't function w/out some carbs!!
Anyway, smoke-free today and only had ONE cigarette.
Progress, not perfection :)

Day 3 at the Barn

Day three of the cleanse. I'm not feeling too bad other than the night sweats--have to change the sheets today. Yuck. I rode my horse Shaggy today. He's a Saddlebred and was a rescue horse, meaning he was on his way to being dogfood until the Saddlebred Rescue Assoc. saved him and my barn bought him. He is too high strung for the little kids to ride and too wild under saddle to be shown so he was just hanging out in the pasture with his buddies until last December when I decided to ask my trainer if he had anything to lease. Well, it's been me and Shag since then. He's a blast to ride but a handful and a half! He has no qualms about suddenly running into the middle of the ring or going the opposite direction you were planning to go in. Somehow he always manages to keep himself underneath me. :)
So--my food was OK yesterday. Banana, protein shake, broccoli w/cashew tamari dressing, lentil/veg soup, a few green olives, protein shake, apple sauce, pineapple juice. Finally went grocery shopping and got some supplies but also managed to forget several neccessities so I'll have to back there again today. Mostly I feel kind of panicky/hungry at all times but that'll pass soon. In a few days I should be much, much better.
Food today so far: pineapple juice (6 oz), shake, small apple, broc and cashew tamari, pineapple juice. Later on I will have a sweet potato w/organic butter and a salad. I didn't weigh myself today but will tomorrow. We are shooting a short film at the house today and when that's done I'm going over to G's to pick up all the dogs and take them to the Park......will check in again later.

Food yesterday...

Forgot to log my food for yesterday: 1 banana, protein shake, big salad w/vinaigrette dressing, broccoli w/cashew tamari dressing, 1 banana, protein shake. That's it and I wasn't really hungry at all. (not having the munchies from smoking helps, duh!) This morning I'm 2 pounds down from where I was yesterday. Yay! Unfortunately I'm depressed and got plenty of free-floating anxiety swirling around as well.....it all sucks. Oh well. It will pass, eventually.
Today's food will be pretty much the same as yesterday. If I do anything wild and crazy like buying sweet potatoes, I'll let you know.

Day 1 The Dreaded Number

Well, here we are at the beginning...I weighed myself this morning. Yikes. Looking forward to seeing that number go down--30 pounds worth I hope!!! I was planning on posting the number here but I think I'll keep it to myself until it goes down a bit.
As for my mental state...M and I on not such great terms at the moment--bit of a tiff last night. It's the 1st of the month and I still have rent and horsey board to come up with. Goddess, bring the $$$$ today! I feel all kinds of resentments and depression and fear roiling around in my head this morning and I accept that detox--life!-- comes with some discomfort at times. Mostly it's the $$$. Taxes have kicked my ass once again this year and I'm lost in a wilderness of self-employed financial confusion. Now I'm shelling out $100 per week for 2 days at a salon and going to see how that works out. Lots of fear and resentment about that. Anyway.....I'm going to let it be OK today for me to be quiet and chill and just let the detox roll through me. Yuck.

Good night, and Good Luck

"Not that I was a diligent humorless no-fun ant, but I did have some very definite ideas on how I wanted my life to go and how I wanted to live it with fitness and honor, and the hippie way wasn't it."

--a quote from my new heroine PK Morrison mojohotel.blogspot.com

The New Deal

So tomorrow starts the latest in many detoxes for me--and M as well. I hope it will stick this time. I'm down to my last few bowls-ful of weed and got an iced tea at my side and a pizza in the oven, SO, I'm ready to go out in style.

This is the plan for the next 21 days:

First 5 days: no coffee, no dairy, no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, no meat, no nuts, no beans, no wheat or other grains. Eat only fruits, vegetables, fruit juice, olive oil, organic butter, whey protein shakes and sweet potatoes. Only filtered or bottled or mineral water to drink.

Day 6-21: Can add in beans, eggs, and a little chicken. Otherwise the food plan is the same.


Some other Rules I'm giving myself...starting May 3rd (gotta have a few days to feel like utter shite)

• I will go to at least 1 OA meeting and 1 MA meeting per week.
• I will work my ass off to keep my lease on my horse Shaggy and get to the Barn to ride and play with him at least twice a week.
• I will run for 30 mins twice a week either @ the gym or in the hood.
• I will do 45 mins of weights at least twice a week.
• I will log food and workouts on this blog daily.
• Sit at the little altar in my closet and pray and meditate a bit at least a few times a week.
• Anything else I think of later...as the Creatrix of this blog I can do whatever I want! hee-hee

So that's all for now....I will be checking in every day. Let's hope it's not boring!

Thursday. The last day.

So we copped last night and I've got a fat lil' stash sitting here that has to be gone by tonight. Ugh. Such a stupid, and yet such an all-consuming habit!! M actually just texted me that today's our last day of dirty livin'! Tomorrow I've got the Salon....going to aim for getting to the OA meeting at 10am. It's not at the little Hyde Park church any more. It's a bigger church a few blocks away and the room it's held in is climate controlled! Progress! So I'm checking it out tomorrow--provided I can drag my exhausted, smoked-out carcass from bed before 10am. Again I say, Ugh.

We're so F&%#ing weak

Both M and I are nearly out of weed so we made an eleventh hour text to our friendly neighborhood pot dealer, who will be happy to oblige us once he stumbles home from the bar. So in 30 minutes we are going to jet down Woodrow to the good old Fashionaire to pick up a bag--our last for many, many moons, I really hope.

T-Minus 2 days....

Although I think I'm going to run out of weed tonight. In any case, after much hemming and hawing, M and I are quitting on May 1st, Beltane and going to do another 21 day cleanse of all toxins. I also need to get my ass in shape. We went to the gym last night (smoked out beforehand as usual, but at least we went. Tonight we're going running in our hood. We both wake up feeling like shite every morning when we drag ourselves from bed and we're sick of it. The old proverbial addicts that are sick and tired of feeling..... more as things develop.